Saturday Nightmirrors #5
Why Vampires are better than Werewolves
Yeah, it’s a ridiculous argument. I said that when I originally posted it several years ago. But you know what? The article got fifteen hundred hits and the comments demonstrated people are damn serious about this topic.
That original blog is deader than Count Dracula but there were a few articles posted I hated to see disappear. This is one of them.
A lot has changed since I first posted it. And by that, I mean the sisaficationof most anything related to monsters. That’s right you paranormal romance freaks, I’m looking at you.
Those changes forced me to reconsider some of my thoughts on the topic. Because as we now understand, Werewolves too can be your friend, lover, or BFF.
My final opinion, however, remains the same - Vampires Rule, Werewolves Drool!
Well, they do, like literally. So, now that I’ve got myself in a completely juvenile state of mind (I’m always partially in that state), let’s delve into the age-old argument of why vampires are better than werewolves.
Listen, I’ve had this argument with adults. You’re watching a movie where both vampires and werewolves are featured and inevitably someone makes a stand as to which is better.
When said someone tries to make a case for being Scooby with fangs I scoff.
It’s not that it wouldn’t be cool to be Repping that badass animal thing the ladies all love. It’s just that there are at least ten great reasons why, if given a choice, vampires are the better choice.
1 Longevity, the ultimate advantage: I’ll come in hard and fast on the debate right from the start. A werewolf lives a lifetime…a vampire lives (or unlives) forever. Mortality is off the table for the vampires which meanscenturies of fun (assuming one avoids the stake). Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can’t go out during the day. Big deal. You know who goes out in the daylight? People who need to work, that’s who. You know who goes out at night? People about to have a good time. So, it is a very small trade-off in my opinion. Living forever is just a lot longer than living a lifetime, so vamps 1 - werewolves zero.
The Update: Well, thanks to the fact that young ladies really want to take their fanged, dead lovers shopping or meet up at Starbucks for an afternoon Latte, vampires have access to daylight rings or just need to hide their shiny-ness from direct sunlight. So, bonus points for vamps!
2. Start a Coven or go Solo: A vampire has choices.They can go it alone by killing what they eat or they can selectively have others join their coven. Werewolves turn others mostly because they accidentally didn’t kill their prey. They aren’t exactly choosy in who they attack so really any homeless dude could wind up as your competition. Which is another benefit to the vampire - if you turn them, you sort of own them. I think selective friends is a big win for the vampire…and in the vamp world there is almost always an ‘s’ after bride.
The Update: Teen Wolf demonstrated that werewolves are, in fact, a pact animal. Apparently, they have an entire family to hang out with. Of course, that doesn’t mean you get to be the Alpha male, so you could ultimately spend your life feeling like you’re still the unpopular kid in high school.
3. Bad Hair Day: I love women with beautiful hair.That love of hair ends right at the top of their head. I also prefer my mate does not smell like a wet dog nor that she has a flea or tick problem. Sure, werewolves can make nice lap dogs and I’m sure that fur is soft and luxurious, but they have nothing on the hotness of vampire chicks who leave a lot less hair in the shower drain.
The Update: Two words - Phoebe Tonkin. Her appearance as a werewolf in The Originals gave me a reason to pause. I’m still not crazy about the full moon hair, but hey if once a month you have to avoid her . . . Wait, how is that any different than the usual monthly avoidance?
4. These are not the Droids you’re looking for: Animal magnetism certainly has its benefits. Hell, I know a lot of women who love bad boys but is there really anything that outcompetes the ability to compel people. No question mark, that was a rhetorical statement. Everything you need is for the asking. Werewolves can growl and howl but that only leads to folks running away - great in a fight, terrible in a nightclub. Beside without any pockets, how does one carry off all that money the bank teller is going to hand over with a smile?
The Update: None. Animal Magnetism doesn’t compare and walking around in winter without a shirt makes you look like a player. Compelling wins - You will like this post and share.
5. The best sex you’ll never remember: Vampires, of course, get the hottest mates. They also get to actually enjoy and remember the activities. I’m not sure that werewolves engage in such activities except maybe with other furry, smelly dogs.
Even if they do, big deal, their human side isn’t remembering any of it the next morning. In terms of sexual encounters, you might as well drink a bottle of tequila and go stand naked in some dodgy alley for all your gonna remember being a werewolf.
The Update: Apparently non-full moon werewolf sex is pretty wild. Again, two words—Phoebe Tonkin. But, I think the very strong counter-argument here is Kate Beckinsale.
6. It’s easier on the furniture: There is no rendition of the werewolf lore where someone isn’t screaming in pain during the transformation. In addition, if you don’t make it to the woods or wherever to “turn” you always spend a few hours tearing the hell out of everything you own . . . Which for werewolves usually isn’t much.
Vampires sleep in dark rooms, with ornate silk-lined caskets, and rise peacefully to greet the night. Werewolves scream and rage, break their shit and then tear down the door.
The Update: We now know vampires also love to drink alcohol and it’s always a fine vintage, right Salvador boys? More vampire points awarded.
7. My crappy apartment is a cave: Immortality and the ability to compel others has one obvious advantage. You can buy a really nice house with all those treasures you’re collecting. Since you are a civilized, art-loving creature of the night . . . And not a wild dog . . . You tend to live in great places and have very nice things.
Werewolves tend to live in crappy places with a bunch of broken stuff…which is fine since they aren’t bringing home any hotties to impress anyway.
The Update: Werewolves also seem to spend a lot of time camping . . . Which has bugs . . . No thanks.
8. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful: The vampire transformation, of course, makes you more attractive. What you may not have brought to the undead world with your genetics you’ll make up for with your eyes and ability to attract droves of people. Dead people don’t sweat and if your skin is a little cold who cares, that warm bloodbath will heat things up for you.
A vampire can’t be any less than beautiful and a werewolf can’t even comb their fur. The bottom line is dinner always comes to the vampire and the werewolf has to chase their screaming prey.
The Update: I mentioned Phoebe Tonkin right? Okay, just checking. But still, all that hair and dog breath.
9. Chew your food you animal: Look I don’t even eat sushi, so I certainly have no desire to consume some dead guy or girl’s innards. I abhor poor table manners and especially people who chew with their mouth open, and those who don’t use utensils. I don’t like picnics because eating outside is where the bugs are and it’s dirty. I certainly have no interest in being nose down in the gore and eating uncooked flesh.
Granted, drinking blood might take some getting used to, but it can be approached in a civilized manner…and besides I like to bite.
The Update: Vampires can pretty much get away with killing or turning anyone. Werewolves leave a damn mess. A werewolf is just so much more likely to get the attention of law enforcement.
10. Parties, music, and fashion: Listen I don’t know what werewolves do in their off hours except work crappy jobs to support their crappy apartments. I know that when they do transform they spend their evenings running through the woods, fields, and moors in search of anyuncooked piece of meat they can consume.
Vampires, on the other hand, are hanging out in the best clubs, listening to great music, and pretty much setting the late-night fashion trends. Drink, smoke, hit on women, dance, crush obnoxious people, drink some blood and then go to sleep. I’m thinking that’s pretty much the dream job.
So perhaps I haven’t convinced you nature lovers who are oh so inspired to release your inner animal.
Well have at it my friend, but clearly, you don’t need to be a werewolf to smell bad and take your unshaven self to go live in the woods, so don’t let me hold you back. And save the “werewolves are stronger" argument.
Who cares - I’ll smell you coming from a mile away and you’ll never get into the Rave (Electric Daisy Parade) without proper attire anyway.
By Raymond Esposito
Raymond Esposito is an award-winning dark fiction author and Amazon bestseller. His articles and interviews have appeared in a variety of publications including Family Circle and Sanitarium Magazine. He has a degree in Cognitive Psychology and has spent over 28 years as a criminal behaviorist.